Speaking your Truth, The Difference Between Verbal Abuse and Boundaries

heatherannkoehn
Aug 17
3 min read

It can be hard to discern when in a situation how to avoid crossing the line between truth to abuse.

It can be deeply confusing to know when someone is being verbally abusive versus when they are simply expressing their boundaries and asking you to make a change.

At first glance, both may feel harsh or uncomfortable, but there are important distinctions between abuse and truth-telling that can help you discern what’s really happening in a given situation.

What Verbal Abuse Looks Like

Verbal abuse is not about sharing truth—it’s about control, belittlement, or power over another person.

It often leaves you feeling small, unsafe, or stripped of dignity.

Some common indicators include:

Personal attacks – Name-calling, insults, or labeling you in degrading ways.
Blame-shifting – Holding you responsible for things outside your control, or twisting events to make you “at fault.”
Threats and intimidation – Using fear to pressure you into doing or not doing something.
Gaslighting – Denying your reality, minimizing your feelings, or making you question your sanity.
Chronic criticism – Attacking your character rather than addressing specific behaviors.
Humiliation – Public shaming, mocking, or sarcasm meant to demean.

The common thread is that abuse isn’t about the health of the relationship—it’s about one person trying to dominate or diminish the other.

What Speaking Truth Looks Like

On the other hand, when someone is telling their truth, they are naming their boundaries and asking for respect.

Even if their words sting, the intention is different. Speaking truth usually includes:

Clear boundaries – Statements like, “I need more space right now” or “I don’t feel comfortable continuing this conversation.”
Ownership of feelings – Using “I” language: “I feel overwhelmed” instead of “You always ruin everything.”
Directness – Addressing a specific behavior instead of attacking your worth.
Respectful firmness – They may sound serious or even blunt, but their words don’t strip you of dignity.
Consistency – Boundaries remain the same over time, not shifting to manipulate you.

Truth-telling creates the opportunity for clarity and mutual respect, even if it means parting ways.

When You Haven’t Been Able to Remove Yourself

Sometimes the confusion comes because you’ve been asked—directly or indirectly—to remove yourself from someone’s space, but you haven’t done so.

In that case, emotions may run high.

Here are a few key things to reflect on:

Check the delivery.
- Are their words cruel and degrading (abuse), or are they firm but respectful (truth)?
Look at the intention.
- Are they trying to control you, or are they asking for space to protect their own well-being?
Notice your reaction.
- Abuse tends to leave you feeling disoriented or ashamed. Truth, though uncomfortable, leaves you with clarity about what’s being asked.
Evaluate your agency.
If you’re unable to leave their space, ask yourself why. Is it fear, dependency, or lack of resources? Recognizing this can help you decide your next step.

Self-Reflection Questions

To navigate these situations, ask yourself:

Do their words attack who I am or describe what I’m doing?
Am I being manipulated, or am I being given clarity about their needs?
Do I feel demeaned, or do I feel challenged to respect a boundary?
What’s keeping me from honoring their request for space?

Final Thoughts

Recognizing the line between abuse and truth-telling requires discernment.

Abuse strips dignity; truth upholds it.

Abuse aims to control; truth aims to clarify.

Abuse manipulates; truth sets boundaries.

If you find yourself unable to remove yourself from someone’s space, take time to reflect on what’s holding you back.

Sometimes the most healing act of self-love is listening to someone’s truth—even if it means making a hard change.

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